a little person.

Last night I lesson prepped for four hours. Today...I am on my second hour of solidifying what I will teach tonight. For some reason, I can't quite grasp the material as much as I want to. It's about justice and fairness. You know, logistically, how fairness and justice actually should work. But when I look around me. When I read the news. When I skim my life. Justice and fairness don't really work like this. 

The little person on my shoulder says....."How do I teach key foundation concepts I don't believe to be true?  What if my students sense that I don't believe in everything? That I don't have all the answers to their questions? That I'm just not sure?"

And then I remember what this is called. Imposter Syndrome. Sometimes I wish I had two little people battling it out between my ears. But I just have one today. 

Two American psychologists, Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, gave IT a name in 1978: the impostor syndrome. They described it as a feeling of “phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement.” While these people “are highly motivated to achieve,” they also “live in fear of being ‘found out’ or exposed as frauds.” Sound familiar? Surely. 

I find comfort in knowing that this is common. That I am not alone. Once I learned this thing had a name, I was curious to learn who else suffered from it. One of my mouth dropping discoveries involved one of my favorite poets, the amazing American author and poet Maya Angelou. She shared that, “I have written 11 books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’”

Think about that for a minute. Despite winning three Grammy's and being nominated for a Pulitzer Prize and a Tony Award, this huge talent still questioned her success.

I have this thought often. Oh boy. They are gonna find out that I don't know it all.  I struggle with that. That today might be that day that I am not smart enough. I struggle with the the reality that my imposter voice is louder then my non-imposter voice. I tell the other to speak up more. I hand it a microphone. It's just not ready yet. 

Blah.