Snowy Day.

Went to google the Helen Ellis book because her funny housewife randomness seems like something I might like to read. Fell into playing twenty minutes of the Google Valentines Day game. Damn you Google. It is fun though. I like the simplicity of just using the arrows. 

Today is a rough day for me. I've got a lot of emotions going on. Facebook memories is not always kind to the past. Two years ago today, I ordered the most beautiful bouquet of flowers weeks in advance because they did not have them on hand. Sunflowers. I was single. My friend Lauren seemed confused as the ran errands with me. On the way home we stopped at Ron's house. I left the flowers on the front porch....knocked and we ran away.  

He loved sunflowers, as he should have....his being was a light that shines on to me often. He was so happy about the flowers. He said I had made his day....that he had felt loved. I often think about that. How I could have loved him more. Why he felt so lonely. Why he did not come to me and not just say that my "anxiety is bad" but that "I want to die".  I would have loved him harder.  Ten days after valentines day......the night before his birthday...he would feel his most unloved. He would bite into the toast and jam I got him for his birthday and walk out into the cold garage to never feel warm again.  I have worked through this a lot. That I did all I could. But it does not always heal the wound of missing him. Or some of the anger I have for him doing this to me.  I spend a lot of time working through the anxiety of being left so abruptly. His presence in my life was both a blessing and a curse. I wouldn't trade it for a minute though. I wouldn't.