We are not all pretty.

On the headspace app I use the Narrator Andy says research suggest that if you do the same thing at the same time everyday it's more likely to become a habit.  I'm really good at routine so this is easy for me.  I drink a coffee every morning. I listen to this app. I write after the coffeee. Whether it be this blog or in a book I carry with me. Or sometimes my notepad app.    At the end of the day I write again. I usually list three feelings I felt that day. 

Ive started a new routine though.  Every morning before I leave the house I stare at my feet. I look at my hands. For people with anxiety. This is normal. To realize you are grounded. To realize what's present around you and what you control. When I do this I remind myself that I am right where I am supposed to be. That this isn't in my control. That it's not my fault. That there is nothing wrong with me. That I am enough. That if words and love are as strong as I make them to be, then that's something I would admire and want in another. Something that I would need from a person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And if my partner is that person, she will show up even in the smallest ways. With time, she will show up. 

I don't mean that there is "nothing wrong with me" in a sense that I am perfect. Because I'm not. And you aren't either. Nobody is. We all have some scratches. Some dents. Some non-flattering pieces. A lazy eye. Messy hair. A worry wart. A crooked toe. A troubled past. Dorky glasses. But they aren't things that make us ugly. They are things that make us who we are. Much like these historic downtown buildings in Boston. They are so pretty. But their history and stories aren't all gorgeous. But we love them not for their past or their current faults, but because of overall who they are and what they bring to us. We must be willing to stop expecting perfect. A perfect life. A perfect wife. A perfect job. A perfect relationship. A perfect day. And realize that every being, place, dream or wish has flaws. Nothing in this life will ever be the fairytale we imagined. But if we acknowledge each others beauty before the imperfections we can surely get close to it.  When you stay.  When you learn to be vulnerable with someone. When you talk about yourselves and your wants and needs. When you communicate that beauty and talk about those not so flattering pieces, eventually they (the not so pretty pieces) get smaller. And smaller.  It's why my anxiety got extremely small over the past six months. With vulnerability you get more pretty, not more ugly. The pieces of ourselves we show to others make us beautiful. They make us realize that this is not who we are but it's a piece of us. That's something we need to remember.  That vulnerability brings the beauty of our true selves out, not fear and not the ugly we are ashamed of. What will you be vulnerable with today? Will you tell a piece of your past? Admit a fault? Confront something you should have a long time ago? Will you stop hiding behind shells or excuses or shame?  Will you start a new habit every day at the same time that helps you be more vulnerable? Everyday when I write those three feelings down. If one is negative I get more vulnerable with myself and find the why. The real why. Not the why I would fake and tell others. I also write one word down that in my mind I would like to "hand to my partner". Sometimes it is "strength" or "courage" sometimes it is "cheese", "movies"  or "lucky".  If I could hand it to her and explain it, and why I've connected it to her and that day and the feeling of vulnerability... I would. But I just hold it for now. Like a trophy. Waiting to show her. 

The real why is always the hardest.  This is me being vulnerable today. I am recognizing I am not perfect. I am recognizing that I am worth it. That love is not easy. That it lives even if I can't touch it right now. I feel it in my hands before I walk out the door. I can't touch it. But I can feel it. 

Check out the pic and and quote below from OhioExplored. Spot right on. I love you simply.  

 ...I will always love you simply.