Practice

In Hannah Brenchers blog today she uses a quote by Macklemore......that I have sung a million times but did not stop to think about it until I saw it written down.

"The greats aren't great because at birth they could paint, the greats are great because they paint... a lot." 

I think this quote sits heavily in my chest as I think about the past year.  There were days where I did not want to "start". My anxiety got the best of me, my fears dragged me down from exploring, and my excuses kept me wound up tight in my own comfort zone. I wanted to be all better by not having to go through the "through", but by instead ending up in the easy "all fixed category" but that route was not available. And so I did the one thing I could do. I started. First I started traveling with my Dad.....as it had been my goal to explore more and not need a partner to do it, but to be okay to travel alone. Since I knew I was still working on those other two areas (worry and fear) I thought it might be better to ease into traveling alone while also standing in my pain. We explored a lot of different places......drove the coast of California...dipped into Reno....and sat idly watching Lake Tahoe. Throughout the trip we stopped off to see an old friend here or there. This was comforting....to see old faces that offered support, that recited songs of my worthiness back to me.  It was a little bit of safety along the way. Soon I would move on to traveling with my sister...and eventually I was taking off  by myself everywhere. This alone time was exactly what I needed--- it reminded me I didn't need someone to love me to be happy, I didn't have to wait to see beautiful things, and that it's okay if the plan bends and breaks a little. In this time I learned how to unlove the parts of someone that made me feel so often that I wasn't good enough. I learned how to only say I was sorry if I hurt someone. I learned that being me was never an apology letter I should have written. If you want to find yourself, you don't have to finish a list of 86 different places. You just have to go, to Start. 

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