What grief is.

So it's been a rough week this week. I think there is some disaster in being a poet, a writer, a fixer. I often find my own version of "On This Day a year ago, or three years ago" scrolling through my mind. I suppose that's the beauty of a creative mind and self mastery. A year ago this past week I had one of the worst weeks of my life. I found myself reflecting a lot this week. Last year I never knew that grief had a sound. But it did. It sounded like slammed doors. Like a dropped quarter rolling lonely on the floor looking for the right place to fall. Like sniffles. Like screaming so loud the neighbors knew names. Like echos back and forth through empty rooms. Grief also had a look. It looked like two hooks one coatl. Like leftovers. Like unfinished poems. Like loose jeans. Like dented in couch cushions. Like a boom box with no guts but sounds still blaring out.  Like a vending machine with no lights inside. Like a Christmas tree with no star bright. Like dry marks on glasses lenses. Like empty bowls. Like Kidnapped smiles.

I don't know that I've managed to go from grief to happy in a year but I have learned some new sounds. Like the sound of resilience.  It sounds like a steady stream. A car slow to start on a wintry day. A belly laugh. The end of the kernels popping to become something better or bigger. A whipper willow in the Tennessee night. Words from friends who have returned to hold you up again.  It sounds like the snooze button on the last attempt. And it looks like the solar eclipse. Like 100,001 miles on an odometer. Like a worn in Tshirt that says I chose to live again and break you in. Like an ant on a cabin floor that escapes your shoe. Like crows nests on cheeks. Like half of the worm still hanging on to the hook.

And maybe I don't have it all figured out. But at least I know what a heartbeat sounds like. And what living might look like.

And most of that I owe to many of you. Strangers who became coaches. Acquaintances who became almost power of attorneys. Friends and family who became my pulse. Who hung up pictures of hope on the walls of my heart after I tore them all down. Thank you, and you too.

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Keep it simple.

French Press. Local goods. Vintage buys. I've learned that you can't teach people to appreciate the small things. They either get it or they don't.   Everyday has a sunrise, and every evening a sunset. It's easy to forget that with all the chaos between those two times.  Be intentional in remembering simplicity.  For it comes when you need it most. 

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Today.

Today is National Suicide Survivors Day. It took me years (about 12) to disclose my depression and anxiety and to say out loud I was a suicide survivor. Coming out, death, family stuff and my own shame and fear lead me to hide a lot of what I was feeling. I was so successful in other parts of my life that I never wanted others to view me in a different way or see me as weak because of my own internal struggles. The shame and fear of mental health is the very thing that keeps others hiding and resorting to suicide. We need to break the stereotype and shaming of those with mental health issues.The stigma surrounding suicide remains just high enough to discourage people — from talking about their suicidal thoughts. Some people feel that they might be labelled as weak, lacking faith, coming from bad families or indeed ‘mad’ if they were to declare their suicidal thoughts. This does not help when we are trying to detect early signs of suicide or reaching out to help victims of despair.

Part of the reason why I share my blog is to let others know they are not alone. They are not weak. They are are not crazy. They should not feel shame for being who they are. Talking about it is the only way to normalize mental health and to show others they are not alone.

Sometimes all we need is a "me too" from another person to get up and try another day.  I still have bad days. But it's a lot easier to get through them not hiding the pieces of me I once thought were weak. So, don't be afraid to talk about it. I am here. There is no shame in these arms. You are loved. 

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Sheesh.

Taylor Swift and Brandi Carlile are both coming out with new albums. Stuff is about to get really sappy this Christmas.   BC's new album called "By the way, I forgive you" is already speaking to me. 

"Don't ever let them steal your joy, and your gentle ways to keep them from running wild". 

It's true. All to often we give up too many pieces of our self, often times the most beautiful pieces, to chase someone who has no idea where they are headed in life.  We must let them go, let them "live while they can".  You can't force someone to realize the beauty they had and the sun that they ran from when they are always chasing the shadow side of who they are.  One day, they'll figure it all out, but it's got to be on their own. And then, when they rise you will have a lot of choices to make. 

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Peppercorn Ranch. One potato, Two Potato.

Sometimes memories are a bitch. They creep up on you. Like heartburn. Like the hiccups. And there is nothing you can do but wait it out.  We have a tendency of memorialzing the good, and burying the bad. That's normal. But when we get stuck in the phase of a memory, where holding on is hurting more than letting go, we must remind ourselves of the bad, the hurt, the not good enough. It's that which will get you through the minute, the day, the month. 

Love was easy. Until it got hard. Until the leaves fell around us. Until we were both there. Naked. In the wind. Years of layers exposed from beneath our bark.   Love was easy. And when the wind blew some trees stayed strong. They reached for you as you creeked in the wind. And some trees cracked and fell away. Only the strong stand tall. Only the rooted. Rooted in love and kindness. Rooted in forgiveness. Rooted in meaning what they say. Rooted in promises and commitment. When you have roots thicker then dirt roads, you stand strong.....waiting for someone to stand with you again. Waiting for someone to be authentically beautiful and raw beside you. Waiting for that person to recognize their bounty of beautiful colors and grow with you. Together. Raw. With you. In the wind. 

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Lean in

We gather people into our lives for a reason. When we realize this we understand that it is a reason to learn and grow from each other.  To grow longitudes. To learn things about others that in turn teach us about ourselves. I note this because some people don't realize this yet. They aren't in a open state to receive love, clarity, and truth. When you get to that state and let your defensive crane like emotional stance down, you stay and take accountability for your own life and challenges and opportunities. You don't go. You don't point fingers. You don't curse others. You highlight your role in your life and what that has hidden underneath it and you explore it. At times alone. And other times with the people who care the most about you. Either way, you don't run.  It's true, the things that bother us about others remind us about something inside of our selves. So why run from those others? Stay and connect the two. Figure out how to grow from each other being present.  Lean in. 

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No sitting-still November.

Just exploring with maps. Not apps.  

Things are going really well. I have realized that the more you put yourself around healthy and positive people the more your positivity spills out of you into your own life. Life has a funny way of working like that. 

If you are feeling sad, or stuck, or down. Look around. You are not a tree. You don't have roots. Move.  Do something about it. Push forward. Just go.  

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Pre-Sale starts today! And I am so excited!

"You are a tree that grew from a seed I never planted". TKG 

On our first tee we've combined the artistic writings of best selling author and poet Tyler Knott Gregson, and the parading redwoods of the Muir Woods National Monument.

Tyler Knott Gregson is a poet, photographer, artist, and author of the nationally bestselling Chasers of the Light, All the Words Are Yours, the soon to be released North Pole Ninjas and the upcoming third book of poetry, Wildly Into The Dark. Muir Woods National Monument was created in 1908 by President Theodore Roosevelt, making it one of the earliest national monuments in the country. It’s only 30 minutes away from San Francisco, but transports you to another time and place. The air there is cold. The trees are silent. Walking among the ancient, towering trees in Redwood Canyon and Cathedral Grove, you might find yourself reconnected to the natural world and to history itself. Most of the old growth redwoods there range between 600-800 years old, with the oldest celebrating a birthday of about 1200 years old — still young by redwood standards. As you hike among these giants, they kindly remind you where you have come from----and all the places you have yet to go.

Tyler Knott Gregson has long given a voice to the many travelers that have tired their hearts. In this tee we marry adventure with lost and bring you a place to call home. We feel that this design represents both Tyler's words and the spirit of Muir Woods. It is wildly symbolic, as there is a clear path behind the tree...and it is huge...almost hopeful. Tyler's words and the beauty of Muir Woods remind us of our story of aliveness.

So grab our first Poetry and Parks Series Tee, made of of a poly/cotton, rayon blend and a perfect combo that creates that cutting look and super-soft worn in feel that you will love to hike in.

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