Tradition.

Here in Hocking writing away my little heart.  

I read somewhere that Meghan Markle's (The Princes fiancé) New Years Resolutions were to stop biting her nails and swearing so much. Maybe that's the "nice version" but that was like my New Years Resolution when I was 10. It's funny that as we grow older how much "harder" it is to resolve the pieces of us we promise to. The weight is harder to lose, the routines are not as easy to break, and memories we once never thought of as a kid have now risen from suppression attic into full fledge anxieties, struggles, or fears.  And those struggles are the things that keep us stuck, often. But in reality, it can also be those things that set us free.  In reading Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly she suggest that "Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen".  So those things that we've once hidden, the weight we are so ashamed of, the habits that maybe aren't the best, those need to be seen too. (Please if you eat your boogers, that doesn't have to be seen, but you know---those pieces of us we are ashamed to show others). And yes...of course, it's good habit to always work on ourselves to be better humans, better friends, better neighbors, better omelette makers and wintry drivers. But we mustn't forget that there is no shame in letting our weight (metaphorically) also be seen.  For so long I have hidden who I was, what I struggled with, and the obstacles in my life that honestly molded me into who I am and what I care so passionately about. This was so that I could appear strong and in control on the outside and never be seen as weak or disorganized---which is how I felt on my inside.  While I haven't fixed myself over the past year or figured out how to be amazing, thin, or less anxious...I have figured out how to be me, and all the happy and sometimes scary that comes with that. I can honestly say I didn't know how to be me, and how to stop apologizing for it. It took being traumatically shut out and hurt (during the one time I was authentically vulnerable) to realize that I shouldn't have to apologize for being who I am. And that someone who truly loved me would not accept my apologies, but rather tell me to keep them and instead ask questions to understand my ways, my fears, my not so flattering "dress".  Some days it's really easy to be me.  Some days it's really hard. Some days I don't even deserve a participation trophy. Other days I think I deserve a gold medal for merely not spilling my coffee.  And those other days, when it's easy. Easy to be me, and easy to be loved by others.  It's those days when I look around and see who's still there. Who's weathered my storm with me and who's standing on the sunny side still cheering me on to win the race (Even though I am a horrible runner).

So maybe I didn't lose all the weight I wanted to this past year. And I probably won't lose all the weight I want to this year. And maybe I still get anxiety, but maybe I understand my triggers more and feel comfortable enough now to share them with others without apologizing (because it's okay to not always have to be the strong one). And the truth is I probably won't succeed at half of my resolutions. But that's okay. "Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” (Brown).

So who fixers the fixers when we are broken? Nobody. Nobody is ever all healed. All perfect. All good. So, this year start making a "Imperfect New Years Resolution List". And when you fail, when you only fulfill half of it. Wear your failures like a favorite sweater. Button them right into you. Because who we are is nothing to be ashamed of.  And know that a 50% success rate is nothing to be ashamed of, because the other 50% is where you can find your authentic you.

Happy New Year Yinz guys.  Have a soulfire kind of year. 

Pancakes soon, 

xoxo.