Trained to deal.

It's not your fault that you are fucked up, but it is your fault that you stay fucked up.... 

See this picture. Read it. Then read it again. And then read below Friends :) 

When I read this page. Man. It hit me. Like a bee to the face---it stung. No. Like thirty bees to the face. See I've heard this before, fancy that. There is nothing I haven't heard in my last relationship. If I collected the words, promises, and excuses that I was handed-hell I'd have enough fireworks of bullshit to light off until the next 4th. More recently I have heard  "It's how I was raised, it's how my family dealt with things, we never talked about anything, or it's what I do and have always done and I know it needs to change".  What Sincero says here is true. It's not your fault. We all come come from finger painting messy kind of lives. But it is your fault for staying that way. For never changing. For avoiding. For never digging below the surface and figuring out your ego, or the big snooze----the things that make you the way you are that you don't even realize. That takes honesty, time, commitment, self love, and a whole lot of doing what you will say you will do. 

I've checked out my ego a lot over the past six months. I've realized that I need to stop always trying to please, or doing more, and that people will stay in my life if they want too. It's why I let my ex come to me and do the work and say the things. Because letting go of that doing was important because I didn't want someone to stay in my life because of what I did, or bought them, or how much I was comfortable.  But because they were honest and true beings. I let all of the doing so much go. Because I uncovered parts of my ego from my past and I let them go. I stopped doing so much. I let it come.  Have I mastered all of my fuckupness. Absolutely not. But I haven't hid it. I haven't denied it. I haven't stopped talking about it. I haven't denied it's existence, like a father on Jerry Springer. It's my fucking fuckupdness. Its related to me. The resemblance is striking. 

You cannot act like a kid that doesn't know any better. You are grown now.  You cannot put a bandaide on a bullet hole and expect it to heal.  It's true. We are all a little fuckupdnes. But the battle is being aware and working everyday to be the best version of ourselves. Lying and denying won't get you there. To a therapist or to yourself.  Let go of your big snoozes. Don't replace the holes in you with a thing, with a human, with whatever fills it up for right now. Don't push your fuckedupness on to others because you can't get a hold of it. Find your ego. Wrestle with it. But come out winning, not hiding until someone else saves you. Save yourself.