Embrace the Pause

So. It's my birthday. Maybe you all can give me a gift today. They say the most important two days of your life are the day you are born, and the day you figure out why. I don't know that there is ever a day where you stop, and think "ahh this must be why I'm here". This is it. So you grab that "why" and you shove it in your pocket, you capture it like a lightning bug in a glass mason jar. I don't think it works like that. I think we (at least good people with a morale compass) are always trying to figure out our place in this world. Why things have happened to us. If we can be better humans. If we can love a little more, give a little more, take a little less. If we take up too much space, or give others enough to walk their own path. I’ve come to understand and appreciate that I really can’t authentically give something of myself to others anymore or to this world if it is causing me to feel less alive, entangled, or experience pain that isn’t ultimately an expression of the love I have to give. And I think that happens when you give to the wrong people. The wrong people often look nice on the outside. But they are dangerous on the inside. When you give time. When you give second chances. When you trust that people mean what they say and their mouths are not fire escapes for more lies to exit. When you believe in the good of the people you love the most and they fail---- or they use you---It wears you out. Nobody should ever just be an object to someone. Nobody should ever give mass produced words or promises just because they need to fill up some space of uncertainty or because they don't know how to be alone with themselves.  Those types of people are exhausting. Those types of people live a life that will never be content. Always searching.   Those types of people try to find happy under any rock and destroy whatever scenic view they can along the way. They care only about their needs at that time. Because they are afraid of being alone. Of living with themselves. Of facing their reflection, their past, and the tornado like damage they've done to the houses that shelter beautiful people. And they take and they take. Sometimes I feel like my body is a gas tank and it is empty---because of those types of people. And there are no gas stations for miles, ten towns over, six deserts away. This year, I’ve walked many trails and been in many fires, waves, and floated down some beautiful rivers too. It's been an exhausting year of giving, (second chances, love, space, the benefit of the doubt) so I'm giving myself a break. Maybe you all can go out and do something good today for me----buy the coffee for the person after you in line? If there is one thing I'll never stop loving, it's coffee and strangers. I don't know how to "embrace the pause" of giving but I'll try until I'm filled back up. Learning to say no is something I'll have to practice. I'm out of gas money, and so I'm borrowing some from you all today. I'm not afraid of living with myself. Of being alone. I could easily replace, but avoidance and running and replacing is not a wardrobe I care to wear. It (codependency) does not look good on anybody. I don't need something to fill me up. I don't need to always be sharing my life with someone cause I'm afraid about learning about myself.  I don't just buy things because it's a good deal. I don't fill up spaces with things I don't need just to occupy my time to make me feel happy in the moment. I don't settle. I don't mind exploring myself and saving my yes's, my truths, my promises for someone who is equally honest and true. I don't need a book marker to save my place because I'm afraid of exploring life alone.  I don't need to settle for anyone, or for being less than I promised I would be just three or five weeks ago. I imagine that's a hard thing to swallow. To never follow through on your words. To live a life of failed promises. It's a good thing those types people only have one ring finger. Only have one mouth. Only have two legs to run with. 

Learning not to give to those exhausting others is something I'll have to practice. But it's easy when you know that your ex-fiancées words are like two trains colliding in a tunnel. Nobody gets out alive. 

 -T 

"You have already written an obituary in which nobody survives you". 

 -KR and SS.