Remember why you started? Nah. Remember these three things.

I've learned many things about relationships this past year.  In my quest to not settle and not rationalize behaviors.  I find it imperative to put these on paper to use as a reference when I put myself in a situation again in the future.

1. You can't be in a relationship with a selfish person.  It's true. We all deserve our own time. Our own friends. Our own space. And some of my best relationships were times when we embraced that.  But there is a clear difference between being an individual and being selfish.  Relationships are not friendships. Sure, when a friend texts and ask to hang out---you might not feel up to it so you back out or say maybe next week. That's the nature of friendships. The nature of relationships is much different. You are to be sharing things together.  Like birthdays, struggles, grocery shopping, bad days, days where you do absolutely nothing. It is not merely a relationship in which you choose if hanging out with that person interest you that week. It is a commitment of time and attention, and not checking out. A relationship will make you lose sleep and time.  A night at a hospital, a night taking care of a puking partner, a conversation and pick me up when they are sad and you are busy.  That's the nature of relationships. They are a dyadic relationship always balancing each other out.  Selfish doesn't work in a relationship. You can't get frustrated and go home (like with friends). You can't check out of a family because you don't feel like it that week.  When you commit to someone, you commit to all of those things. Not some days. Not when it's convenient for you to talk. Not when it's convenient for you to hang out. Not when you want attention, affection, or time. But most days. Because in a relationship it's not just about you. You make time for the people you love. You rearrange your schedule. You run to the store when they don't feel well. You realize that their time with you is just as important as your time. Because that's the nature of being unselfish.

2. You have absolutely every right to feel your feelings. If you want out of a relationship, that's fine. If you fell out of love. That's fine. If you are sad or stressed that's fine. You have every right to feel the way you want. You do not have the right to treat people like shit because of those feelings. Those feelings are yours to deal with and they don't warrant you acting in intentional hurtful ways towards someone. So while you can feel a certain way, you have no right to put someone down, to shut a door on them, to threaten to call the cops because you don't want to communicate right now,  to ghost them, to blame them for your life's trials, to scream or swear at them. You made a promise.  That you would love that person unconditionally. In the end, relationships fail.  And you can't stop them from doing so. However, you can stop the negative context in which they might end. It is true that you can love a person unconditionally in a non romantic context and care about them as a person. Therefor, just because your relationship ends does not mean your morale and character should also end. People are not toothbrushes. We don't simply get rid of them every few months and just pick up a new. That unconditional love comes with the right ways of treating someone.  It is a love that demands respect, compassion, and kindness. Even at times of struggle. Even when you don't work out. Demand more from someone. If someone has given you 8 years of their life, give them the love/understanding that they deserve when you choose to step away. When you act in healthy ways like this from a place of love, you'll find that...you have more space in your heart for positive things.  There is no longer space being consumed by the negative, unhealthy, and hurtful interactions you left someone with.  And plus, (unless they were abusive, cheating bastards) did they deserve that from you? Leave someone how you would want to be left.

3. Trust actions. Not words. Words are easy to say. As humans in a competitive society we want people to think we have grown or look better. We strive to lose weight, we highlight our hair,  we show off our vacations and new lovers like trophies. The same goes for our internal selves. We want people to believe that indeed we did change those internal behaviors that weren't so good for us. It's easy to say we changed. That we no longer avoid hard situations. That we don't seek fulfillment in a gaggle of friends instead of within ourselves. That we don't check out during stressful situations. People will say these things to you, but their actions will speak much much louder. Listen to them. Anyone can say they changed, and it might seem like it...,until there is a challenge.  What do their actions say when you reach that familiar place? Trust that.