Be where your feet are.

Nothing like a Monday reminder from HB to be present. To go all in. Even if you don't know what's waiting at the end, just be present and take one day, one hour, one word at a time. Laugh. Lay. Embrace. Trust that you are where you are supposed to be. Don't miss out on the beauty surrounding you. Even if you don't know where the trail leads. We often stumble upon beauty when we get lost. Go all in.  

2) Be where your feet are: You know I have said this one a million times but it is worth repeating it. The whole "there" destination I talked about above? It's nonexistent. When you are always pushing to get "there," you miss out on what is happening all around you. My friend Brooke says we need to go "all in" to whatever event, meeting or task is at hand. Even if you are headed for a messy situation, go all in to the mess.

Songs of the day.  

Life.

We regret the chances we don't take.  

If it's worth it. Leap. Or you'll lose it while trying to find all the answers.  

There is a reason it takes up so much space in your heart and mind.  

Leap.  

Him. Haw.

We don't always have all the answers right now. Sometimes we just have to take life one day at a time. It's a risk. But that's life. You scooch to the edge to get a better view. You change jobs. You move to a new place. We don't always know how it will play out. You live a little. Sometimes we trust our gut that day. We let it feel. We let it be. And as time unfolds the answer becomes more and more clear.   Do not wake up tomorrow thinking a box will be delivered by a bearded man with an answer inside. Do not think a balloon will float by glowing with the answer. There is no "ah ha" moment. The answer comes with time. With taking risks. With faith. With believing. Teetering over the situation will consume too much of you. Let it go. Let it be. And soon, you will see. 

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

What does it mean to quiet your mind?

It means trust what will be will be. The overthinking will not "will anything" to happen. It will not give you answers. It will not make you any more of something, or less of another. You are what you are.  Pretty, sometimes, a little messy.  Just be that. It is good enough. It has always been good enough.  Those who believe that, show up. Those who don't, never wanted to show up. 

We are all enough. 

One thing I’ve learned about making changes and reaching for the next rung on the ladder is that you cannot fully feel satisfied with where you’re going until you can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where you are.

Embrace and make peace with where you are, and your journey toward something new will feel much more peaceful, rewarding, and satisfying. The juice is worth the squeeze ;)

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you

So gorgeous

On days when I have therapy.....music is always the follow up I need. 

I wanna live with you...even when we are ghosts. 

All of the yes. 

Consider the Thistle.

Took a 30 minute break to do some of my own reading before heading to dinner with some faculty and then teaching night class. This page in Cheryl Strayed's  "Brave Enough" really spoke to me today.  I know the answers to these questions, but I'm not going to share them here. Take some time to think about the stories that got you to where you are today. The ups. The downs. The comeback stories. 

Our stories tell so much of us. 

We argue with stories, internally or out loud. We talk back. We praise. We denounce. Every story is the beginning of a conversation, with ourselves as well as with others....

I did not grow through  a crack.....I grew through concrete. I was thistle. Considered a weed, thistles grow streets and alleys. But, thistles have a deep tap root that can shoot through thick concrete and survive drought. And in spite of their prickly appearance, their royal and soft purple center makes the thistle a mysterious and gorgeous flower.

As I read this quote and other quotes in "Brave Enough".... I consider the thistle as well and how we are each stronger than we know, if we would only claim our inner strength and also be strong enough to accept help when we need help, to take our place in the community circle of our family, friends, or other support groups. To do so takes humility.

Consider your thistle today. I know where I came from, and where I am headed. Humility gets me there.  

a little person.

Last night I lesson prepped for four hours. Today...I am on my second hour of solidifying what I will teach tonight. For some reason, I can't quite grasp the material as much as I want to. It's about justice and fairness. You know, logistically, how fairness and justice actually should work. But when I look around me. When I read the news. When I skim my life. Justice and fairness don't really work like this. 

The little person on my shoulder says....."How do I teach key foundation concepts I don't believe to be true?  What if my students sense that I don't believe in everything? That I don't have all the answers to their questions? That I'm just not sure?"

And then I remember what this is called. Imposter Syndrome. Sometimes I wish I had two little people battling it out between my ears. But I just have one today. 

Two American psychologists, Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, gave IT a name in 1978: the impostor syndrome. They described it as a feeling of “phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement.” While these people “are highly motivated to achieve,” they also “live in fear of being ‘found out’ or exposed as frauds.” Sound familiar? Surely. 

I find comfort in knowing that this is common. That I am not alone. Once I learned this thing had a name, I was curious to learn who else suffered from it. One of my mouth dropping discoveries involved one of my favorite poets, the amazing American author and poet Maya Angelou. She shared that, “I have written 11 books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’”

Think about that for a minute. Despite winning three Grammy's and being nominated for a Pulitzer Prize and a Tony Award, this huge talent still questioned her success.

I have this thought often. Oh boy. They are gonna find out that I don't know it all.  I struggle with that. That today might be that day that I am not smart enough. I struggle with the the reality that my imposter voice is louder then my non-imposter voice. I tell the other to speak up more. I hand it a microphone. It's just not ready yet. 

Blah. 

Sometimes.

I wish I could share the thoughts that run through my mind each day. Perhaps I could plug in my mind at the end of the night and print some receipt-like list of thoughts.  

Like what's so important about #2 pencils anyway?

What do they have that others don't?  

Surely I'm not the only one wondering these things.  

Our mind, much like our hands...has different parts. Left hand. Right hand. Right mind. Left mind. Sometimes they work together. Sometimes they operate alone. Sometimes the left mind tells the right mind what to do. And well, sometimes the right mind takes on directorship. Our bodies are made up of many parts. I find it extremely important to know all of those parts and how to handle them when they constantly wrestle each other with decisions and feelings. Don't let the passing by thoughts overcome your ability to be present. It's not worth it.  Don't think too little. Don't think too hard. Don't over plan or under plan. Just learn how to be present. To be present where your feet are-------- at that exact moment. 

I don't dance...

But here I am....spinning you round in circles.  

Love that song. 

Cheers. A toast to new friends. And hope. And that people realize that love is not easy. That words are bibles. That owning up to mistakes is admirable. That our differences are lovable. Cheers To kept promises. And meaning exactly what you said. To speaking up. To standing up. To fighting for what you love. To walking towards each other and not away. Cheers to people who challenge you to grow. To people who love you despite your past. To people who don't accept your behaviors when they know you can try harder. Cheers to blue eyes. And therapy sessions.  And beta fish. And the last bite of ice cream that you give away. And love poems. And babies. And cute little hiking boots for babies. And treehouses.  And commitments of working on yourself. And books. And hammocks. And smell good rooms. And dog kisses. And to treating people how you would want to be treated. And to a love as deep as the ocean.  Cheers to faith. And believing. And rough hands. And crooked toes. And reading books out loud. And tattoos that tell stories. And flannels on girls. And tight pants. And ear touches. And unexpected hugs from behind.  And music. And dancing in the kitchen. And pancakes. And walks in the fall. Cheers to hands that just fit together. And new places. And trails that long for us to come to them. And lakes that reflect our imperfections. Cheers to love. To mother fucking love. And never giving up. Cheers to sticking with what you said on the good days, even on the bad days. Cheers to watching someone sleep. And handwritten cards. And letters. And the ah ha moments that make us realize, maybe I really do need to try harder, to figure out how my past keeps me stuck. Cheers to marshmallows and Tin cups. Cheers to fall weddings. Old suitcases and maps. Cheers to bandanas. And jeeps with our hair blowing. Cheers to frolicking dogs and mountains of blankets. Cheers to baby oil. And puzzles. And wine. And cabins. And pumpkins. And cheers to adventures that will continue. Cheers to coming back to each other when you realize the sun is a hard thing to ignore. Cheers to beautiful things that can't be forgotten. May you never forget them. Cheers to knowing what's worth keeping.  Cheers to sleepy talk. Cheers to always learning each other as you go. Cheers to silly inside jokes. Cheers to real love, one that makes you cry on the happiest days. One that makes you forget what time of day it is. One that makes you drop your old habits and let love in. Cheers to cute saved voicemails. Cheers to pictures. In your hand. Cheers to mountains. Cheers to sloths. Baby sloths. Cheers to vulnerability and fighting for love. No matter how uncomfortable it might make you because it challenges you to go to new places. Cheers to growth. Cheers to cottage cheese and pretzels. Cheers to funky glasses. Cheers to listening to a love so loud and never leaving it. Never. Cheers to working towards something you can't stop thinking about. Cheers to trust. Cheers to tops. And bottoms. And stories. Cheers to chocolate milk. Cheers to a love where your soulmate ties your shoes for you. 

Woke up.

Woke up like this. Crazy hair I don't care. I am Tired of being put together. Sometimes it feels good to just let go. To see where the day takes you. To see where the night leads you.  To see where life guides you. To laugh. To explore. After five weeks I finally picked up my planner. If that's not letting go of my usual self, I don't know what is. Just be. Just be present. Got a long awaited date with the book loft today.  I'm picking out your book to read, finally.  #life #love #wild #justbe #explore #books #staycommitted #trusttheprocess #allmy #soulfire #yourturntopick #firstkiss #bestdateever 

Power

Ah. Power. Right now I am teaching a Leadership, Power and Influence class so I've been immersed in what power can or cannot do. We certainly have a wealth of anecdotes about what having power does to people: Power has saved figures Like Martha Stewart, OJ Simpson, facilitated unethical financial practices on Wall Street, and contributed to some of the most overconfident moments in our nation'sAmerican history.

On the one hand, we could conclude from these examples that power leads people to immoral, unethical, and deviant behavior, and some research is suggestive of this possibility. Of course, power can't always be bad for us, like it was for the American economy or Edwards' political career. Certainly, sometimes power can have a positive effect on our well-being, by allowing us the freedom to be ourselves. (psychology Today Study).

What does power have to do with authenticity?  Power does have an important positive consequence for people: When people have power they don't feel the need to shift how they present themselves in different situations or contexts (Psychology Today).  In one way this is a good thing, because it helps a person feel and behave more authentically in all different situations. In contrast, lacking power means one has to be strategic in the way one presents the self, changing from context-to-context. While self-presentation concerns are probably adaptive in some situations, it is easy to see how changing one's self all the time can contribute to negative feelings like "I can't be my true self." or "People don't really know me."  (Psychology Today).

So what does this mean?  When you feel as if you don't have the power to speak up or be heard you lose yourself. Much like the research suggest you shift from context to context blending in like a chameleon never getting to be who you really are. In order to self preserve in the situation. When you lack the power you have difficulty sharing how you really feel. Phil influence by the surroundings around you. You adapt to them to survive. When you have power and a voice you get to authentically be yourself without fear of repercussion, disappointment  or shame.

So as you go about your day think about that. How are you losing yourself in different situations because you don't feel like you have the power to be who you really are?  For dear of judging, shame, or disappointment?

Alive.

Sometimes you just know you picked the right path for your life. After every class I teach I feel that way. Last week a student stayed after class to tell me she really liked my class. This week another student stayed after class to tell me she really enjoys this class because of the discussions and how raw they get. I told her ethics is a hard topic and the only way we can learn from it is if we let go of what we think is always right by learning about others.   

When I teach I lose myself. It's the only two hours of a day where my mind doesn't think about anything else. I am in that moment. I'm giving the best gift I know how to give.  I feel alive. It's a beautiful thing to get lost in what you do and forget that it's even a job.   

I know that I'm finally where I need to be. And I've never been so certain. 

Even when the assignments are late.  

We accept the love we think we deserve...or do we?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is one of my favorite movies. Not just because it was shot in Pittsburgh, but because of the message and the importance of writing echoed throughout. It was one of the first movies where I actually read the book first.  

It's most known for the quote "We accept the love we think we deserve". On surface level, the quote obviously references the kind of love shared between two people, whether it be marriage/committed partnership, deep infatuation, casual sex, friendship, or something in between. This point in the novel almost forces the reader to think deeper about the kinds of love in their lives as they relate back to Charlie.

It forces one to ask, “What kind of love to I want? What kind of love do I have at the moment? What kind of love do I think I deserve, and what kind of love do I actually deserve? Does the love I want and the love I’m getting actually coincide with the love I deserve? Do I deserve more than I’m giving myself?”

In my opinion, it is one of the most powerful points in the novel. And, in addition to the crucial and utmost importance of accepting the love you deserve from a partner, is the fact is that this analysis can be applied to so many additional contexts in life, including these next four contexts. Now I would love to take credit for these four concepts that apply to this quote, but they are not mine....but an author’s analysis of what this quote really means. An author far smarter than I.  And so her words are not bolded. Mine are.

1.     The love you deserve from your friends.

Expect more from your friends. Stand up to them when they hurt you. Don't be afraid to tell them when they are wrong. Don't fear sharing your feelings. It’s okay to break up with friends. It’s okay to not agree with them. To choose your own path.  Life comes in many, many stages; people change– they grow up, they grow apart, and that’s okay. When it comes to accepting the love you think you deserve in friendships, I believe that a friendship should be a two-way street in regards to what the two people give to each other. Of course, this means different things for different friendships, but for me: communication, honesty, trust, support, consideration, and the ability to laugh are all important things. That isn’t to say that I believe everyone should be breaking up with friends unnecessarily, but that it’s okay to expect certain things from friendships. (Geez, I say this all the time. Certain friends can’t be trusted with certain things. Distance can be used in certain cases. Each has their own role and you need to figure that out).

2.     The love you deserve from your family.

Stand up to your family. If they are not fulfilling your needs. If they are not meeting you where you need them to be. I have gone through this recently.  Speak up. Ask for more. Nothing changes without the Ask. You do not receive more without asking for it.  Simply enough, sometimes it’s easy to accept less than what you deserve from family, simply due to the fact that they are blood. From mine, I need and deserve support, acceptance, and loyalty– and I offer the same in return. It does not happen unless you ask for it, communicate, and receive.

3.     The love you deserve from your colleagues.

Your time is just as valuable as anyone else’s. If you are frustrated speak up. A few weeks ago I ran into an issue with a work mate, it drove my anxiety insane until I chose to speak up. If you deserve more----communicate it. As an employee at any company, it is important to be given mutual respect, a voice to be heard, and a place at the table, as well as to give those same things to every person in your office, regardless of their status.

4.     The love you deserve from yourself.

And every time I look at myself in the mirror, I work on breaking down that voice in my head that blames others. That does not take accountability for my own happiness. You need to be happy first before You can be happy with others and Before you can accept the love You deserve. Before you can ask for the love you deserve. Because if you are not happy with yourself, how do you know what you deserve…or what to ask others for? If you do not ask, you simply sit there. If you want more or If you deserve more, it can't be telepathically transmitted to another. You must speak it. Do not tuck it away. Or else you will never get "to the love you deserve", because it starts with you. 

So, here’s to The challenge of identifying the love you think you deserve in all contexts of your life. Identify it, challenge it, apply it, expect it, adjust it, and equally give it to others in return.

If you are not applying the "accept the love you think you deserve" practice in all aspects of your life. Don't use this quote as a punchline for an excuse. If you are going to live a quote….live it all out.  Do not try to convince yourself that you deserve better, and it's someone else. A lot of times, it's you. Ask for what you want. Tell your desires. Communicate the things that you deserve, and you will find that they are already there...you just never asked for them. 

Trust the process.

Trust the process.  

I have been living this everyday. Trust that what will be will be. Trust the words. Trust space and time. Trust the person.   Trust the process of change. Trust the love.  Trust it.  Trust the promises. Trust hope. Trust myself and my own judgements. Trust. 

As human beings we want things now. But we must let go and trust things will unfold in their own time.   When we don't force things, or force action, things actually get easier.  We have to let go of the need to control. We can only focus on our thoughts feelings and actions.  Trusting the process will let you move through life with more grace. You learn a lot about yourself when you trust the process. Remember the why. 

God. How could I ever forget it.  

Kant says hi. And morals are important.

Up an at em.  

There is a rare set of people who are more effective on five hours of sleep than 7. 

Thats me.  

What are you doing today to stick to routine? Remember, routines can be good or bad. Decide which ones can stay. And which ones need to go. And that might be the hardest part of your day. What are you doing today To be more vulnerable? To be reflective? Self mastery is something that never has an ending point. 

I just did my meditation app. And my talkspace app. I'm off to do a workout. Then to therapy. Then traveling. Then I'll be grading and finishing a lesson plan on deontology and utilitarianism. Kant says hi.   After that I'll be preparing for a volunteer project on Saturday.

Sometimes we learn about ourselves when we serve others. Sometimes we learn about others by how much they do or don't give. Sadly. Giving is of those of a compassionate heart. Generousity is the heart of humanity. The more you give of yourself, the more you find of yourself. 

I don't trust a person that does not give. Show me someone that does not give, and there is no doubt that a lack of love, happy, and kindness will be present.  You shouldn't have to beg people to volunteer. And they shouldn't just do it for the post allocalades and Facebook pictures. When you do good because it is a true core piece of you, you become a happier you.  Don't believe me? Read the research below. How you treat others is but a moral test of your being and character. We are not just here to enjoy the things here on earth, we are here to pass them around. To those who might need it more than us. To those who might need love. Understanding. Chances. Hope. And Care.  What are you passing around? What do your daily actions say about you? And no, I'm not talking about your job-we all have those and their requirements to do good.  What do your behaviors and treatment of others model to the world? To your children? To others looking in? To strangers? Is it Something you want to be? Something you want to be remembered by? Are you proud of it? Proud of who you are? Are you mature? Reliable? Are you proud of How you act? How you treat people? What you say? What you do? What you give? (Or are you telling others/your future kids to do as I say, not as I do). If you aren't proud of how you treat others, change it. Start by giving. Giving time. Giving more of yourself. Giving to others. Giving a better example by living it. Giving attention to your moral being and character. Giving yourself a better chance at being happy. 

If this isn't something that sticks with you or the people you've immersed yourself with. Re-evaluate yourself and your distance between others. I have people in my life (at a distance) that are selfish. They are assholes. They remain there because sometimes I see some light in them, sometimes they are fun to rally up a pick up game of basketball, because we might have to have a professional or familial rekationship, etc. but I know their role and how much I let them influence who I am and how I care. Remember, it takes being surrounded by a village of good people to grow into a better person. Distance isn't a bad thing. It's simply saying I know our boundaries. I know how willing I am to give to you without losing myself.   Boundaries are hard. Practice keeping them. Practice being who you are without letting others overlap. Practice sticking up for kindness and respect. You deserve it. So do others. Practice how you treat others, and don't let those unhealthy people influence your kindness compass. Practice your own heart. Your own calling. Your own kindness. Stay true to yourself and your own giving... And you will find that when you look back on the moments you really lived in your life---it was the moments where you did things with the spirit of love. We never had two hands for helping ourselves. We had one for ourselves and one for another. 

Keep giving. Keep understanding the people who need your love. Keep the boundaries. Keep yourself. Keep helping people back up. Keep loving the hard to love. 

 "Volunteering to help others is the right thing to do, and it also boosts personal happiness; a review of research by the Corporation for National and Community Service shows that those who aid the causes they value tend to be happier and in better health. They show fewer signs of physical and mental aging. And it's not just that helpful people also tend to be healthier and happier; helping others causes happiness. "Be selfless, if only for selfish reasons," as one of my happiness paradoxes holds. About one-quarter of Americans volunteer, and of those, a third volunteer for more than a hundred hours each year." 

A Columbus capture.  

Throwback.

Two years ago I wrote this post. It was liked over 200 times and shared over 50 times on fb. A few weeks later a special person had the end quotes framed for me and gave it to me as a gift.  I stumbled upon it tonight reading old messages.  I think it's still relevant today. What do you think? 

I'm tired of living in a world of immediate gratification and what she/he has is better. A world where people think just because it's not easy it's not worth fighting for. Where we expect things from others but don't give them the same. Where we separate ourselves because of our differences. What if Abraham Lincoln said this just isn't working?We are too different. This world is not easy. Life isn't perfect. It's not about quantity, the expected image of happiness or money. It's about quality and love. We are all different. Isn't that the beauty of being? But we must learn to understand each other. What was once some one night thrill eventually fades. We grow up. We find excitement in different ways: watching your nephews play soccer, being able to let someone into the cellar of your darkest fears and knowing that you are still loved, Sunday afternoon smiles, someone who knows how you like your coffee and orders it before you get there. There is beauty in simplicity and comfort. You just have to know how to get there before it's too late. You aren't happy? You are frustrated? Someone sees something different then you? The world deserves someone better then you, so be better then you. You want your world to be better? Sit your ass down and let's talk about it. Stop running from it. 

I know how it feels.

When you are broken.  

When you don't know what you are doing.  

When you don't know how you feel.  

When you doubt everything.  

When you wonder if you've chosen the right path.  

If you are doing what you really want to do.  

When you try to convince yourself of one thing.  

But the truth knocks at your bones.  

When life doesn't make sense. 

When you've made mistakes but don't know how to fix them.  

When you have things to say but don't know how to say them.  

When your mouth is dry.  

But your heart is pouring.  

Be still. It will come to you.  

Yinz ready?

I'm wearing sweatpants all day.

Because I can.

And a jersey. 

It's time!  This is me excited! One more game and we in the Ship!!!

Practicing.

Practicing the art of watching and listening can be hard. I've been trying to be more present in the space around me. A deep mind like mine sometimes starts creeping away with other thoughts, and when that happens I lasso it back. I figure out why it creeped away. Was it bored? Did it hate the place it was in? Was it uncomfortable?

Being present more has always been something I've wanted to work on. I have been slowly working on it over the past year. Putting my phone down more. Going outside. Writing letters and cards. Observing. Listening to stories. There are times I have failed. No doubt. And I will fail again I'm sure. But that's what practicing is about. Trying. Failing. Fixing. Trying to be better. Repeat.

There are times I look back on and wish I was more present for. I know now not to make that mistake again. Being more present is a practice that I want to waste all my time on. 

When laughing happens.

I want to be there.

When you kiss my forehead.

I want to be there.

During a whole movie.

I want to be there.

During silly conversations.

I want to be there.

During talks in the car.

I want to be there.

During special days and bad days.

I want to be there.

And I'm getting there. I'm getting there. Some days I just lay on the floor. I collect my thoughts like metal cans waiting to cash them in for a sweet reward. I'm not perfect but I'm better than I was yesterday. I'm getting there. And maybe you'll never see that. But someone will. Someone will love it. Someone will want my mind there. Right beside theirs, rubbing elbows with their future dreams, together.

A village.

I woke up to a bunch of messages. Of love. From friends and strangers.

On days like this I remember how lucky I am. I hate to sound cliche, but my friends really are special. They travel with me. They make me come visit them. They care about everybody. They support me on bad days. Show up for my good days. When I was writing my dissertation I never got to see my friends. Time was not my friend. I always thought they'd get mad that I couldn't make my usual time for them. But they didn't. They showed up for my defense. They spilled their guts about how proud they were to be a part of my life. These friends are selfless. They volunteer. They serve a cause greater then themselves. They give more than just time.
I am reminded how special they are everyday. They don't let me just slip by because we are friends. They challenge my thoughts. They tell me the truth, even if I'm wrong. They make me own my actions, my thoughts, and my behaviors. They make me do better and be better. And in this whole mess they have never judged anyone. They have offered kindness and understanding, coupled with some disappointment. They never speak poorly of people. They see value. In every person. Every experience. They never put my choices down or others. If fighting is what I want to do, they support me and who I love and are non judgmental of me and of others mistakes. Because, they've been there. They know that the mistakes you make do not define you as a person. And I'm lucky to have friends that see the good in people. That offer their love and respect to me and everyone around me.

It really does take a village to grow into a better person.