I've been in and out of reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. It's a great read about vulnerability and shame. I picked it up because Nashville based and famous photographer Theron Humphrey told me to when I had breakfast with him on a trip to Nashville, Tennessee in December. It's been a book that makes you dig a little deeper within yourself. I like books like that. Self mastery is a lesson I am constantly teaching myself. There is never a final exam when you are working on yourself.
As you might assume, I have a hard time being vulnerable post my break up. I tend to keep conversations at a surface level, push away new people, avoid dates, redirect hard questions, etc. Not because I'm weak, but because I felt as if I didn't have the energy to get there. To gather up the parts of me and hand them out like a serving plate for all. When I read this Brene Brown quote yesterday it clicked: Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.
I understand the necessity of both. Of victory and defeat. I think when I clam up it's because I'm remembering the feeling of defeat, where hurt has been abundant, and like a hurricane. I need to remember how the victory feels. The glory. Knowing someone fully. Learning to lean on them and lean in. That feeling of support and care. And I have been given so many tiny victories just this week, from strangers all over simply by showing up, by being all in, even only in my tiny ways. From neighbors who drop off fresh eggs, to neighbors that invite me to their garden, that let me play with their goats, or watch the sunset on their bluff, or over to their garage bar, or who show up to mow my grass when I need. To talking to complete strangers about the worst of me, and the best of me. These are those fruits of being all in. Of believing in other people again. That's been a hard thing to do. It's a slow process. I imagine it like the sun rising. Peeking a little through the dark, then one beam, and three, and then 20. And then full blown wings of sunbeams lighting up the sky. It is a slow process, but I will get there. And the silly thing is, I don't think I'll even know that I have arrived...it will just happen.
When we engage, when we go all in, we rise, we shine.
