Having compassion

In a post I wrote last week I talked about how I go in and out of waves. From anger, to letting it go so it does not take up space in my heart, to feeling grateful for having being blessed with what I was given through my relationship.  I've been thinking more and more about healing and being mindful. I've also been listening to a lot of podcasts about practicing mindfulness. And because of that...

I ask myself often how does one go about feeling compassion for someone who just offended, ignored, or betrayed them? The most difficult time to enter into a more loving state of being is in the moment of offense, and for that matter every moment thereafter. And yet, for healing to be fully felt and experienced, compassion must return to the wounded heart, and it is the very source of the peace that is sought. 

But how does one develop that compassion? Is it easily read in a manual, does it come with time? Does it come with practice? Does it only ever come with an apology or closure? What if you never get closure? 

In an article about stress and anxiety I saw a great example that related to my thoughts about this concept of healing. In the article there was a quote from Roy Masters about one technique he shares to help people develop compassion and reduce resentment. Roy Masters is a prolific author and radio host that teaches mindfulness meditation exercises currently used by the Army to help soldiers cope. Though the whole quote is worth commenting on, I’mnjust going to highlight this one part  

“Imagine, however, that someone said or did something cruel to you, but that you did not react in any way whatsoever – you did not become upset, resentful or even ruffled. You simply observed that this person was saying or doing something cruel, as though you were calmly observing the scene in a movie. You simply would not be stressed by what would appear to others to be a highly stressful encounter. Stress and cruelty affect us as profoundly as they do only because we react to them resentfully.”

Why is it that you can watch something potentially offensive occur in a movie and not explode about it, but if it happens to you in real life, it is a big deal? At least one reason is your ego (or your big Snooze) was involved in one situation and not the other. In one case you were just observing something that has no bearing on your identity/ego, in another you believed some part of your worth was actually on the line.  This simple fact brings an interesting thought. When watching a movie or television series, have you ever been able to have compassion for the “bad character”, because you’d been shown their backstory and the reasons for all their pain?

I think the TV series This is Us did a great job at this (any other fans out there?). The underlying theme of the show was redemption, both individual and collective.  From eating due to past hurt, to anxiety if not being good enough from being different. Through flashbacks, the show helped you truly understand why it was that each of these individuals acted in dysfunctional ways. As a result, instead of despising the deeply flawed characters, you actually had compassion for them and each of their unique kinds of weaknesses and human frailties. You hated that Kate hurt Toby, but you understood the why. This is because you understood that when they hurt another character you liked, it was often because they themselves had been hurt. Instead of being offended by their actions, you found yourself rooting for them to overcome their challenges — you wanted them to find the happiness and wholeness they were seeking.

What if you could do the same thing with the people in your life? You may think you know your spouse, or children, or friends. But there will always be a great deal that you do NOT know about them. ( Actually today during a Criminal Minds episode, Dr. Reed said---do we ever really know someone" ?). The shame that each individual faces in life often causes them to hide the ugliest parts of their lives for fear of not being accepted as they are. (Believe me, I've seen this first hand). Though you might think you know someone, what you know is really just the part that they feel comfortable revealing to the world.

What if you could treat their weaknesses like you treat those of some flawed character in a movie or TV show you watch? What if you truly knew the root of their pain and the reasons they act out against you or others? What if you knew all their insecurities, fears, shames, guilts? What if you knew their past pain, anguish, etc? Would this help, find baking and lose the resentment? 

Do you think that your compassion for them would increase and be more of an automatic response? Would you be able to forgive more easily? Would you root for them, even in their weakness? Even when they've destroyed so many pieces of your life? 

This is what those in your life need you to be able to do! I think this is where it starts. It is the beginning of compassion, and therefore the beginning of healing. It is a hard battle and I don't know that I'm there yet, because my situation was particularly damaging, and back and forth, and came with a lot of intentional hurt and abandoning and broken promises---but I know that I will try. I will say it out loud and I will try. 

In and out of waves.

Some people write just to write. Some people write to heal. Some people spend their whole lives holding in words they never say. Some people will appreciate the rawness that I let out, some people will not. And as a writer you have to be okay with that. Also, as a relatively good human being you also need to acknowledge the positivity and good of people and situations. So there will be days of truth, and where things don't look so pretty. And then there will be days where my perspective changes and I try to take the good that was given through my relationship or mistakes or lessons. Its okay to go in and out of waves, it's normal and healthy. (Says the therapist).

So, if you are walking the same trails as I.... Kind of choose to to change your perspective about the relationship when it happens. Some days this might not be possible. And that's okay. But changing your perspective---That's how we heal emotional wounds. It's our neosporin for our wounds.  The waves of truth, and then a different positive perspective. Say instead "I had this great relationship and choose to remember the good things not the bad and say I had this great part of my life but I need to slowly move on because I learned these great lessons for my next person".  If we dwell in these wounds and dwell in the wish that things would be different with them but our path of life is calling for growth in these moments, then we never truly grow. In these moments instead of staying in the hurt change to "what is life trying to show me about this relationship so I can be the best version of myself for me and for the next person"? What we need to learn from this is I'm choosing to believe even though she did hurtful things she had great aspects of her. While I won't ever put an ex down, I will tell truths and call out lessons that I have been taught and I am grateful for that. For learning from every person that has come into my life.  The main overlying message is that " she was my person for the time she was with me".   She did wonderful thoughtful things. She gave me time and attention. She gave me laughter and exploring and dreams. But what she taught me is that my person and the person meant for me will always choose me no matter what, on the good or bad days. Even when you love the person but don't necessarily like them in the moment. My person will choose me.  She will stay. She will communicate. She will follow through on promises. And she in her path could not do that even though me (and my lifeworld) at times wish she could have because we had plans together. But my person will be fully ready for a true commitment of loving me through the good times and even the times they are rattled. Because we can work on ourselves at the same time we are in a relationship...she just can't be that person. So even though it's hard at times to open my heart, I get closer a little more each day to knowing real love. The kind that is strong and communicates and means what it says. The kind that respects you. The kind that is never conditional. And it will be a love I never imagined and in that time my heart will naturally heal itself.  No new thing, or person can do that. Or can make me forget. Or can help me grow. I must choose to not avoid and learn and grow, and even sometimes feel blessed for having loved her so fiercely. 

Great Read for those that think love should just be easy, and not a reality.

" If you’ve stuck it out through the tough times of stage three, you will be rewarded. You and your partner have fallen from the pedestals that you placed each other on. You become real people, not gods descended from Mount Olympus. All veils are stripped away. You acknowledge that your partner has dreams and also problems, just like you. Stage three let you see the frustrations in your relationship. Stage four allows you to accept them and work through them"  

Check out the read/link below. Where do you fit in? Do you check out when reality hits? When you realize your partner is not perfect, yet fail to acknowledge your own contribution? I'm fully aware of realistic expectations, and baggage, and imperfections. I've always been someone that is aware of them both in myself and my partner and talks about them, and loves you right on through them as long as you recognize them too. Not if you avoid and quit.   When I first met my ex I told her I have anxiety and some trust issues from past relationships, but once I get comfortable and feel safe those fall away. She said she understood and that she didn't care, that none of my imperfections could push her away. I sit here and I think really hard about if she ever said to me something similar:  " I'm passive, I let others walk over me, I suck at communicating especially when overwhelmed, I sometimes lie because I'm afraid to speak up, I overcommit, I say things just to say them"  and I can't remember her ever acknowledging anything about herself like that. Every "thing" had some excuse, oh I just married him for medical, or I know she upset me but "I'll talk to her later about it"  but later never came. It takes a strong person to say out loud, I have these flaws and I am aware of them and here person "I think I love"---let me show them to you before you get one step closer to me. That is raw, that is real. 

People check out on stage three because they don't want to face themselves, or do any work to get to the bliss of stage 4. That's not love, that's Lust. You just want until it requires looking deeper within, a little elbow grease.   And when that time comes your words and promises jump out the window and down the fire escape.  

http://www.lifehack.org/535718/there-are-5-stages-love-but-sadly-many-couples-stop-stage-3?dgs=1

The graveyard of you are not enough.

I hiked 5 miles yesterday, to find an abandoned streetcar graveyard. There was no exact address or pin. Just a general area. In the woods, near a river and some old railroad tracks.  Sometimes those are the best hikes. The ones where you are searching for something, and you convince yourself you aren't leaving until you get to it. But then the sun is shining and you are two hours in during a sweaty mess of a hot summer day, and your water is warm, you have serious ass sweat, and your shoes are wet and muddy, and you almost give up. But you push forward. Because you said you would. Because follow through is the bees knees these days.   And then you find out, the exact location is not five miles up and down a mountain but just a half a mile into the woods from where you parked. Isn't  life funny like that? But it's all about the adventure....and the story I get to tell after.  

Finding these street cars was important to me. Because, well I felt like they were long lost sisters. My sisters of abandonment. I felt as if we had gone to college together, chugged a few warm beers together, woke up regretting Taco Bell for second dinner together. They were my friends.  Left in the woods but with good intentions right? That someday they would be used again. But let's face it. Some people don't mean well. Some people just use us for parts and leave us in the woods.  They like the thought of us and what we could be, had they given us the right time and attention. But they realize the rust and restoration is just not what they signed up for.  They want the beauty but don't want the work (on themselves or in general). They want easy. So we become forgotten. They take the pieces of us that looked good for future use , that still worked despite our years on the pavement of giving to them and others--- and they never come back.  They leave the shells of us. 

I sat there staring at that car as if it was about to come to life and take me to a place where I understood why people treat others so poorly. I kept thinking, "Her treatment of you is not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of her."  That thought was not my own but a text a mutual friend sent me . But some things just stick. That echoed in my head as I looked through broken windows, upside down cars, and old signs to Shaker Square. I thought about all the places these cars have seen. The people who sat on these seats. I wondered where they went. Where they came from? Was it a place where they always felt wanted? How many people sat on these seats staring out the window hoping that today they would be good enough, strong enough?  And then I remembered self perception is a zoo. The good people in this world are not unworthy of being restored, of living a full life bouncing from one corner of life to the next. How others treat us should not be some measureable of our value. It's just that they (those shitty humans) haven't dealt with their fuckupedness yet. And we can sit there and wait for them to deal with it and come back, or we can restore ourselves and get moving without them. Alone. Dust off the pollen and clean up the broken glass, outstretch what used to be and stop torturing ourselves. We are giant awesome things. Just because we believed in others that didn't know how to take care of themselves and others, does not mean our engine isn't worth the shine, and all the fucking glory. When I looked at the streetcar in the moment  I felt like Abandoned was having a staring contest with Abandoned. Stepping back after the day was over, I realize we weren't left for who we were or are, we were left because someone decided that rust spots were holes instead of character, that flat tires were barriers instead of a story to be told, and that work (to themselves or their relationships) was just too hard to take on.  Because they didn't realize that in order to restore something (yourself or a healthy relationship), you need to get your hands dirty, your mind grinding, and your knees aching.!

On days like yesterday I thank god for what I thought was abandoned, but what I feel now is grateful, because I can't imagine explaining Abandoned to my children, to my friends and family after a fresh wedding.  While I know there is a shitty species out there. There's good out there too. Most like to say what they need to get by. It doesn't makes sense to us. It won't make sense to us.  But we must remember that their lack of self love and commitment to being a decent human being, is not a reflection of our giant awesome things. We are awesome human beings (and if you are questioning the We, you need to shape up). Let us all stop leaving things behind for fear of ourselves. And for the us, the us that doesn't leave things behind, that stay, that puts in the work, the us with grass stains on our jeans.... let us remember that some of the most beautiful things happened in life because we restored them with the thoughts that we were indeed worth it and valuable and fucking awesome despite our past, or our cracks: The Colleseum, Reading Terminal Market, the Great Sphinx, Fenway Park, Nelson Mendela, and on and on. 

Be grateful for having been left, because being restored by those that truly care and are good human beings (the kind that don't just let you merge into their changing lane but that would never intentionally hurt you) will be a great view, and the graveyard of you aren't good enough will be in the rear view mirror as you arrive into a new place, a new town of believing. 

Trained to deal.

It's not your fault that you are fucked up, but it is your fault that you stay fucked up.... 

See this picture. Read it. Then read it again. And then read below Friends :) 

When I read this page. Man. It hit me. Like a bee to the face---it stung. No. Like thirty bees to the face. See I've heard this before, fancy that. There is nothing I haven't heard in my last relationship. If I collected the words, promises, and excuses that I was handed-hell I'd have enough fireworks of bullshit to light off until the next 4th. More recently I have heard  "It's how I was raised, it's how my family dealt with things, we never talked about anything, or it's what I do and have always done and I know it needs to change".  What Sincero says here is true. It's not your fault. We all come come from finger painting messy kind of lives. But it is your fault for staying that way. For never changing. For avoiding. For never digging below the surface and figuring out your ego, or the big snooze----the things that make you the way you are that you don't even realize. That takes honesty, time, commitment, self love, and a whole lot of doing what you will say you will do. 

I've checked out my ego a lot over the past six months. I've realized that I need to stop always trying to please, or doing more, and that people will stay in my life if they want too. It's why I let my ex come to me and do the work and say the things. Because letting go of that doing was important because I didn't want someone to stay in my life because of what I did, or bought them, or how much I was comfortable.  But because they were honest and true beings. I let all of the doing so much go. Because I uncovered parts of my ego from my past and I let them go. I stopped doing so much. I let it come.  Have I mastered all of my fuckupness. Absolutely not. But I haven't hid it. I haven't denied it. I haven't stopped talking about it. I haven't denied it's existence, like a father on Jerry Springer. It's my fucking fuckupdness. Its related to me. The resemblance is striking. 

You cannot act like a kid that doesn't know any better. You are grown now.  You cannot put a bandaide on a bullet hole and expect it to heal.  It's true. We are all a little fuckupdnes. But the battle is being aware and working everyday to be the best version of ourselves. Lying and denying won't get you there. To a therapist or to yourself.  Let go of your big snoozes. Don't replace the holes in you with a thing, with a human, with whatever fills it up for right now. Don't push your fuckedupness on to others because you can't get a hold of it. Find your ego. Wrestle with it. But come out winning, not hiding until someone else saves you. Save yourself. 

Embrace the Pause

So. It's my birthday. Maybe you all can give me a gift today. They say the most important two days of your life are the day you are born, and the day you figure out why. I don't know that there is ever a day where you stop, and think "ahh this must be why I'm here". This is it. So you grab that "why" and you shove it in your pocket, you capture it like a lightning bug in a glass mason jar. I don't think it works like that. I think we (at least good people with a morale compass) are always trying to figure out our place in this world. Why things have happened to us. If we can be better humans. If we can love a little more, give a little more, take a little less. If we take up too much space, or give others enough to walk their own path. I’ve come to understand and appreciate that I really can’t authentically give something of myself to others anymore or to this world if it is causing me to feel less alive, entangled, or experience pain that isn’t ultimately an expression of the love I have to give. And I think that happens when you give to the wrong people. The wrong people often look nice on the outside. But they are dangerous on the inside. When you give time. When you give second chances. When you trust that people mean what they say and their mouths are not fire escapes for more lies to exit. When you believe in the good of the people you love the most and they fail---- or they use you---It wears you out. Nobody should ever just be an object to someone. Nobody should ever give mass produced words or promises just because they need to fill up some space of uncertainty or because they don't know how to be alone with themselves.  Those types of people are exhausting. Those types of people live a life that will never be content. Always searching.   Those types of people try to find happy under any rock and destroy whatever scenic view they can along the way. They care only about their needs at that time. Because they are afraid of being alone. Of living with themselves. Of facing their reflection, their past, and the tornado like damage they've done to the houses that shelter beautiful people. And they take and they take. Sometimes I feel like my body is a gas tank and it is empty---because of those types of people. And there are no gas stations for miles, ten towns over, six deserts away. This year, I’ve walked many trails and been in many fires, waves, and floated down some beautiful rivers too. It's been an exhausting year of giving, (second chances, love, space, the benefit of the doubt) so I'm giving myself a break. Maybe you all can go out and do something good today for me----buy the coffee for the person after you in line? If there is one thing I'll never stop loving, it's coffee and strangers. I don't know how to "embrace the pause" of giving but I'll try until I'm filled back up. Learning to say no is something I'll have to practice. I'm out of gas money, and so I'm borrowing some from you all today. I'm not afraid of living with myself. Of being alone. I could easily replace, but avoidance and running and replacing is not a wardrobe I care to wear. It (codependency) does not look good on anybody. I don't need something to fill me up. I don't need to always be sharing my life with someone cause I'm afraid about learning about myself.  I don't just buy things because it's a good deal. I don't fill up spaces with things I don't need just to occupy my time to make me feel happy in the moment. I don't settle. I don't mind exploring myself and saving my yes's, my truths, my promises for someone who is equally honest and true. I don't need a book marker to save my place because I'm afraid of exploring life alone.  I don't need to settle for anyone, or for being less than I promised I would be just three or five weeks ago. I imagine that's a hard thing to swallow. To never follow through on your words. To live a life of failed promises. It's a good thing those types people only have one ring finger. Only have one mouth. Only have two legs to run with. 

Learning not to give to those exhausting others is something I'll have to practice. But it's easy when you know that your ex-fiancées words are like two trains colliding in a tunnel. Nobody gets out alive. 

 -T 

"You have already written an obituary in which nobody survives you". 

 -KR and SS. 

How not to date the same girl. Again.

We've heard about them. We've seen them. Some days they poke us in the eye. That's how obvious they are. Red flags. 

I am at fault here too. You would think that having a PhD in Leadership and Change would make me privy to some insider knowledge about if someone I become interested in is really the "game that they talk". But I have no special skills. No MacGeyvor like tricks. No Dr. Reed Analytics. Actually, because of my belief in people and Change I'm actually more susceptible to believing in people.  We all do it. We want to believe that people are really good at heart. But let's face it. They aren't. That's the cold truth of it. People will say what they want you to hear. Over and over. And sometimes you might believe it because you see glimpses. Stars of hope. And you hold on to those. And they are stars. Shooting stars. Ones that come and go. You don't need that. You need a star that will stand there everyday. That won't just show up when it wants. That won't have a hollow mouth. A star who's actions shine brighter then the moon when it really matters most.  What are you being today? Are you come and go? Who are you seeking today, are they come and go? Decide when to let go of something that doesn't brighten your life everyday. Did you know the bigger and brighter a star gets the more it turns blue?  When you start loving someone again.....when you don't see the red flags and the words and action missed connection---make sure that star is a sparking blue. That's what you deserve. Someone to make you as blue as you are.

All the rest is just all talk.

Yes.

This is the truth. Don't expect people to be as caring as you are.  

Yessss Sir.

Food for thought. Grow together. Not apart. That's love.  

Tornado warning.

See, maybe you don't remember.

But I do.... I remember telling you when we first met how I couldn't date you.

Because I was still healing.

I couldn't handle loving so hard again.

I couldn't handle losing someone so violently again.

Like Someone being ripped

From my life like a Jewish family headed to a

Concentration camp.

Never knowing which one of us would be alive in the end.

If any.

You said you understood.

I was worth waiting for.

You doodled me Mumford lyrics on cards

About how soon I'd get over my fears

And have hope in my heart.

I told you I had scars.

And they weren't healing nicely.

I said I wasn't pretty.

You told me you didn't want pretty.

You didn't want perfect.

You just wanted me.

When I doubted the world

You showed up.

When I tried to push.

You grabbed my hands.

You stayed. You kissed them.

You told me how my hands could hold love again.

A love that only looked like you.

Because you would never leave my life

Like a tornado.

Leaving pieces of me everywhere that I would have to clean up when the sky cleared.  #travelblogger #wordporn #gooutside #trees #tornado #travelgram #explore #hike #canada

Good reminder.

Don't just promise it. Live it. Call yourself out when you fail. Get up. Try again. Repeat.  

How not to be a...Liar Liar Pants on Fire

A conversation from today with a Therapist:

It's so easy to tell one side of a story. To search for pity, or validation that what we did or how we are acting is right or justified. And we do this in any way that we know how. We tend to bend the truth to benefit ourselves. We highlight exactly what wronged us----"she hung up on me" before we say "but I was screaming at her".  This is where the need to be transparent comes in. To own up to our behaviors and Our part.  Chances are, you are not always going to be right. You are going to act immature. You are going to hurt people. You are going to react in ways that you shouldn't have. You are going to say mean things during fits of frustration. You are human, and capable of many errors.  And acknowledging your behaviors and owning them takes you much further in your growth (if you want to grow)  then ignoring them.  But what happens when you avoid those behaviors? What happens when you tell a different story for validation or pity?  How can you grow? How can you take ownership?

I can say honestly that in my past I have been guilty of such. I have asked friends not to talk to ex lovers, or to throw shade at friends that have wronged me. But over the past five years I have grown into a space of authenticity, accountability, and awareness. I tell all. When I share a situation, whether with my therapist or a friend I am leaning on, I tell it all. I admit my wrongdoing, what I could have done better, or why I might have reacted the way I did. I share the words that I said, the words that were said back. I share the promises I made, how I have failed them or succeeded with them. I share the promises that were given to me but did not make it to the end. I own up to it. I say, I did that...I said that.  I share---The whole picture. The whole story. I do not just offer up Tera's side of the plate. I share the whole meal. Because sharing that...makes me grow. Makes me reach a bit deeper. Makes those same issues not pop back up again in a year, or two.  Its hard, to say out loud..."I am not my best self. I messed up. I am sorry. I could have done better. Or I want to do differently".  It's much easier to blame and walk away, to only share your side. Because then you are never challenged to do better or be better. Any change is hard, especially when our behaviors have become so embedded in us.  So comfortable. 

But the more honest we are...with ourselves...with our network, with our therapists...the more we actually grow.  Anyone can tell a story to make them look like a Princess, and their contribution was just a pea....but where does that take you?  Do you want to grow longitudes? Do you want to loosen the belt loops on your mind and be more emotionally intelligent?   Try telling the other persons side of the story first, before you tell yours. Avoid using BUT when you are telling others the story. Try highlighting the good before the bad. And tell your story to the right people. The people who will help your process...in unbiased ways...who will be honest with you...even when your story might say.... "I messed up".  IT's okay to be imperfect, its not okay to be a liar. 

Space.

I get to make my own schedule. That means my life has a lot of space. Space filled up where nobody can touch it. Space empty where I hang out for days.   

Space is a funny term. We can't exactly see it, unless of course we are putting together a puzzle or pulling a jenga block out.  But space exist all around us. 

So we just had spring time. And I think about the space in my life.  I took the time  to clean out my closets, dust off my cobwebs, go though my stuff and purge. Because spring is a time for renewal, rebirth and growth. How can you blossom into a beautiful  summer flower if you are still covered in last year's leaves? It was time to embrace the "out with the old and in with the new" mentality. But it's important that when we think about space, we think about it figuratively too. What will you let occupy your mind? Will you stay mad at people who have crossed you? Will you tolerate immaturity? Will you let the space in your mental cupboard (cubrit) be filled with negativity? Or will you let it go? 

I believe that everyone wakes up with a given allotment of choosing power, and how we exert our decision-making energy has an incredible impact on our daily lives. Every decision made counts against our quota for the day, and as the day goes on it becomes more difficult for us to make good and decisive choices. I know this to be true for me: in the morning my decision making power is at 100%, but by 6pm I'm having trouble figuring out what I want for dinner,  or what book to read, and by 7pm I'm reaching for the frozen pizza because I-just-can't and cardboard carbs are easier than making a decision, let alone a meal with the proper protein to veggie to carb ratio.  Not the best option, but yeah.  By 6pm, the bulk of my daily choosing power has been spent. Like a paycheck. Like Monopoly money. Like birthday money. 

So each morning. Wake up. And Remember. 

...So much of what weighs us down from our waking moment is our tangible 'stuff' that shares our physical space. Shoes. Clothes. Stuff.  As the day goes on, decisions become more difficult as our power winds down slowly through an hourglass like timer. So, if you can only make 'x' many decisions in one day, do 15 of them need to be about what you're going to wear?  How do you really want to exert your energy this summer? Consider the purge you just did for spring cleaning and give yourself permission to let go of the things that aren't serving you anymore. Eliminating the unwanted options will result in less decision energy spent.  So sweep out the cobwebs of last year and reclaim not just your space, but your energy----for the things that are worth it. 

Happy things!  

This space, and this face is okay.  

When the moon aligns.

Soooooo. In talking to a hiking buddy from Cbus this weekend I found out some really super cool stuff. He sent me a map from NASA  of the best areas to view the Lunar Eclipse on Aug. 21st and the line of best viewing goes right over northern Tennessee and southern Kentucky. How cool! The cabin falls smack in the middle. I love finding small wins in what seems like often chaotic days. It has always been the small things for me. The stranger holding a door. Someone making your cup of cofffee the way you like it and bringing it to you, a good morning text, a surprise in the mail, a handwritten letter, a unexpected compliment. In a world that sometimes only focuses on the big things. On social pressure. The glam. The ideal relationship, only the good days. The flashy car. Social media "happy". The perfect marriage and kids. It's nice to be reminded of the small things.  Here's to more good books, colorful handwritten letters, and pints of ice cream just because. 

Happy Pride

I have to be honest. I don't know that I'm "always" doing the right thing. I stumble. I slip up. I realize I can do better. But sometimes. When I take a minute...and a few exhaled breathes and I look at all the the good that surrounds me---I know that I'm doing something right. What a beautiful day to share with great people and a cause so dear to my heart. Lose yourself in the service to others...and your life will never be the same. 

These two.  

Ben sandwich.  

Smiles are free.  

This song.

Been listening to a lot of music lately.  I'm so happy I got back to the piece of me that loves music. It speaks to the dead pieces of me and makes me believe in the good. Of people. Of the world. Of my future. 

And it's hot out today. And I'm excited for Pride.   And thank you for the positive messages. 

Heyyyyah I got plenty of time. Heyahhhh. You got light in your eyes.  

Do Something

If you see something wrong in the world you could do something or nothing. I already tried nothing.  -WW 

This quote is from Wonder Woman. And how true is it?  

We can stand by and watch the world struggle or we can give our hands to create a better place. And this starts from within. We don't have to be spectators of our own lives. Chances are we've already done nothing. Now it's time to do something. To make it stick. To create a better us and in return a better world. What we put out into the world ripples.  It spreads. And it eventually comes back to us. Think about that when your head hits the pillow every night. What will ripple back to you? In a year? In ten?  Be a force of good.  It might be a harder path. But how sweet of a reward to know you have served the world right? 

Aren't we All a little lost.

Since yesterday I've had two dogs sitting on my front porch with me. They even left and went on a morning bike ride with me.  

They belong to somebody. I talked to the neighbors. They roam the mountain. They come and go. They are friendly. It's clear that they belong here. I wonder if they know what it feels like to belong. 

Because as humans, we need to belong. To one another, to our friends and families, to our culture and country, to our world.

Belonging is primal, fundamental to our sense of happiness and well-being.

Belonging is a psychological lever that has broad consequences,l Our interests, motivation, health and happiness are inextricably tied to the feeling that we belong to a greater community that may share common interests and aspirations.

Isolation, loneliness and low social status can harm a person's subjective sense of well-being, as well as his or her intellectual achievement, immune function and health. Research shows that even a single instance of exclusion can undermine well-being, IQ test performance and self-control.

so belong to things. Give yourself to things. To love, to teams,  to a family.  Share yourself with others. It's good for your health. 

Garden heart.

Today we til the garden!  A neighbor is bringing over his tractor to til it for me.  I think about this garden a lot. 

I think about the attention it needs, and also the space. It needs water. It needs sun. But It also needs time to grow and every year it needs turned.  In order for it to become its best self it needs both space and love. 

I think we are a lot like that too. As humans.  We crave love and attention, but we also crave independence to be our own selves. There is a healthy balance to both of those attachment styles (anxious and avoidance).  Research shows that avoiders and anxious people are often attracted to each other, but they exacerbate the traits of the other and get into an endless cycle of the anxious person trying to get closer while the avoider pulls away.

That’s not to say they can’t be happy, but they both need to work at it. We both are complex people. If you are anxious, stop flying off the handle. Give yourself time before you make irrational thoughts of why they haven't called you back yet or are late coming home. If you’re an avoider, you need to practice relying on people, giving them a chance instead of finding fault and pulling away. Stop idealising past partners or waiting for The One. Allow yourself to get close. By being there for your partner, they won’t be so needy and you’ll get more independence (Rodane, 2013). It's a win---When you take the time to recognize each others styles. Like hands, and a voice, everyone's got one----there is no avoiding it. The more you are aware, the healthier your relationship can become.   So understand what you need. Understand what your relationship needs. Plant seeds. Water them daily. Give them time to grow. Get aligned. Turn your dirt. And....watch time create bountiful flowers, crops fine for eating, and a beautiful view. 

Plant. Nourish. Grow..... 

I got a fast car.

I don't know how to make my heart beat slower.

It's as if it's always trying to catch up with my mind.

My heart is a race a car.

A falling raindrop.

A hawk at sunrise.

Fast and gone.

It doesn't know how to love softly. It is fierce. A lightning bolt.  A car crash.

It only knows how to love you with everything it is.