It has been quite some time since I have posted on here publicly . And while my aim is to write to heal, I also know that this place can be a living room for people to also learn and understand. I have done some cleaning up of my blog. To rid of it of the hurt and negativity I once carried in my writing because of my self blame for other peoples issues and fickle that I have no control over. I cannot controls others behaviors, or how they might treat me, or the words and actions they give and take....but I can control if I let them into my life and how much of a distance to keep them at. And so my hope is to keep my blog a space where I can write and process and to let you all know that you are not too much...you are enough.
Recently, I have been faced with a big obstacle in my life. One that I have watched through the struggle. One that I have been patient with. One that I have been supportive of, understanding, and have given time to. One that I have watched grow, but boomerang back to the comfortable. Why do we keep going back to our “old ways”? One likely reason is that change is a paradoxical phenomenon. On the one hand, change is inevitable; human development is constant and we often have no control around it. Minutes change to hours, hours into days, and the clocks of time push us to places we may not understand and to places we may not want to travel. Simply put, time passes. We must move on, sometimes in spite of our reluctance. We cannot stop the sands of time. On the other hand, and regardless of this constant perpetual motion of change, we are creatures of deep habit and predictability. We long to stay as we are, and once our habits have been set begin to form, it is not always easy to erase their effects. This habitual drive is very important to our peace of mind and to our security. We need things to be predictable; too much inconsistency makes us feel insecure. When we are out of our habitual domain, we often become testy, nervous, or unsure. We lash out at others. We blame others for making us feel uncomfortable, when in reality it is our own feelings of inadequacy that upset us because we are not used to what we are attempting to change. They say it takes 90 days of practice to make a changed behavior a good habit. And I believe that.
Stop and think about your habitual patterns. Like many, you are probably more comfortable when you are in familiar surroundings, surrounded by things you know and understand well. When you find yourself in settings that are unfamiliar, you may become uncomfortable and have trouble navigating a path. Add these competing feelings to the many other complexities of life...family history, pressure of friends, and relationships and its no wonder why we fall back into our bad habits. These two realities, the curve that drives change, and the curve that resists change, produce a powerful paradox and, in turn, a tension for people. The tug of war that follows can derail, or completely dismantle, any change effort, even efforts headed in directions that cognitively make good sense. For example, we know its not healthy to avoid, or to hold things in, or to not communicate. But even that thought of what makes good sense can often be overlooked when this tension arises of change of self. What often occurs at this juncture is that people resist until there is no other way; by then, however, it is often too late. Your resistance has cost you more than you can even begin to imagine. Consider changing a personal behavior you feel may be better for you, such as changing dietary patterns so you can live a longer and healthier life. Cognitively, you have no trouble in understanding all the elements of this proposal. You know your current diet is not the best it can be. You equally know all the reasons why you should enhance your diet. All of this makes perfect sense, so you set the course for changing your diet. You decide you will begin eating foods that are better for you. You begin to stock your cabinets with these types of foods. You make a goal plan and even enter it into your daily planner or smart phone. Then you begin to execute your change. Now, all great voyages start with the first stroke of the oar, and your dietary change is no different. The first day goes fantastic. You follow your diet and feel confident that you are on the road to longevity. Even the second day is a success; you’re still on track. On the third day, you find yourself unexpectedly invited to join some friends after work. During the Penguins viewing party, your friends order a plate of nachos with sour cream. You look at this specimen, a long-time favorite in your old dietary days, but now taboo. You pause and think, “I’ve really been good up to this point. One nacho won’t hurt.” So you take the biggest nacho on the dish, and scoop up a huge dallop of sour cream and slowly, bite by bite, revel in the taste. Before you know it, you have single-handedly eaten the entire plate of nachos. In a split second, the rationalization of your behavior sabotages the best-laid plans for change. This reality of sabotage happens many ways in our personal efforts towards change. People develop habits, past family cultures and patterns that drive behaviors. They are shaped by them. Add to this the incredible pace of the world around us. With technology and information access changing almost daily, and with world markets and economies always unpredictable, the only constant is change. Now after devouring those nachos....will you for certain go home the next day...curse your one failure....and eat an entire pizza? More then likely, not. If your change effort is something that comes from within. You will get back up when you realized you have failed and drink 64 ounces of water while eating a big healthy salad and fruits throughout the day. Change is not instant. You fail. You get back up. You do not sabotage your whole goal just because you have managed to hit some growing pains. You stay consistent. Perhaps, your goal is to be a better communicator. So you buy a journal so that you can write your feelings down, buy a planner so that you can stay organized with your life in achieving your goals or what you set out to do, or participate in listening to podcast series on how to be healthier in speaking up or matching your actions with the words you do communicate. Chances are, you will fail during this plan. You will find yourself holding something in, or avoiding communication. Something will trigger you to fall back into your comfy pair of avoidance sweatpants. But this does not mean that you quit. That you continue to avoid the things that challenge or trigger you to fall back into those old ways. This is where you take what you learned, those tools.....those new patterns you are establishing...and you apply them. You do not roll over You do not eat an entire pizza the day after the nachos. You learn, you practice, you grow. We give ourselves time to truly achieve our goals, if that is what we aim to do. When you find yourself in the middle of that push and pull....the grey space of change....how will you beat the paradox? Will you be a force of nature and challenge yourself, or will you retreat to your basecamp of comfort. That is up to you friend. I suppose it depends on if the change is coming from within, or from the outside. Those who will it to happen, will become it. Those who do not enter into the change paradox with a truth in their heart will remain in the same place....consistently questioning themselves and how to get to a better way of life, a happier place of self. Which side of the paradox are you sitting on?
